Destruction - Infernal Overkill

Going to post a few of my favorite thrash classics today, feeling nostalgic i guess. And ill start with the mighty Destructions debut. German thrash has been so underrated, for so long. This stuff shits on 90 percent of the thrash that came out of the US, but oh well, there was no fucking internet then, duh! In case you didnt know, destruction were one of the leading teutonic thrash outfits along side Kreator and Sodom. They remain influential to this day among thrash and even black metal circles. If you are a thrash fan, you have this. If you havent, then you arent one.

if you used to be thrash, then you never were

Bloodgut - Nekrologikum Evangelikum Pt. I: Zombie Reign 2666 A.D.

Bloodgut featuring none other then Rogga Johannsen from Paganizer. If you arent familiar with any of his work at all then you should leave the hall because he is more death metal then you will ever be. This album features maybe the most putrid guitar tone i have ever heard, in fact the whole thing is vile and filthy. Awesome.

Zombie Attack!!!

Thy Serpent - Forests of Witchery

Classic Finnish black metal featuring members of beherit, soulgrind, and barathrum. Melodic and majestic, mostly slow to midpace, this isnt a blast fest, instead it goes for atmosphere and feel. And great atmosphere might i add. Whenever i listen to this album one word comes to mind and thats majestic. Solid drumming, and great melodic riffs with excellent vocals as well that kind of sit back in the mix like many 90s black metal albums. Classic.

From Finland with love

Of Stones and Strength Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Zercher

For those of you unfamiliar with this pamphlet-sized book, I can hardly recommend it enough:

Of Stones and Strength, By Steve Jeck and Peter Martin.  It's not really a training manual, and it's barely long enough to be considered a proper book.  What it is, however, is a reminder that all of the gym lifting in the world isn't going to provide enough awesome to counter-balance the pathetic waste that most of us call our modern lives.  Why?  Because we're not busy with picking up any random heavy shit we might see in the course of a day of plowing a field, because there's no right of passage into manhood in Western civilization, and because we're decidedly, sadly, in and incontrovertibly not Basques.

It gets no more metal than this.  Someone's definitely wailing on a fucking guitar in the background.

Stay with me, fuckers,  I shall elucidate my points.  First, a bit about the book.  It is essentially a display of the world's manhood stones, in particular those of Scotland.  Steve Jeck, the co-author of the book, discovered these stones while competing as a pro Highland Games athlete in Scotland, and went on a quest to lift them all.  He brought along with him a guy named Peter Martin, a historian of Scottish manhood stones and one of the main reasons I found the book so inspiring.  Why, might you ask, was this historian the catalyst for my inspiration?  Because the book is chock-full of pics of a 61 year old back in slacks and dress shoes picking up 300+ lb stones in a muddy field with a back so rounded it looks like he's trying to form the perfect arch with his back.  Frankly, when you see a bunch of pictures of an old man picking up rocks the size of your torso, it makes you rethink every decision you've made in your life, and you realize that you've been fucking up if you cannot be out there outlifting that fucker like it's your job.  Back to that bit in a second.

The book outlines a number of stones throughout the world that men lifted to show other men that they were indeed big swinging dicks.  Stones like the Dinnie Stones, so named because a strongman named Donald Dinnie picked up them both (one weighs 435 and the other 340) and walked across a bridge and back with one in each hand.  Back in the day, if you wanted to be a part of a crew of warriors, no matter where you lived in the world, there would have been a stone lifting test involved- these are the kinds of stones Jeck and Martin lift throughout that book, and the kind of stones you'd probably like to lift as a matter of course.

Which, oddly, brings me to my third point- we're not Basques.  This sucks for a wide variety of reasons ranging from their awesome, alien-inspired and possibly only related to that of the Ainu halfway around the world language, the fact that they're all nobility in Spain because their land was just about the only place in Spain not conquered by the Moors, and the fact that they have constant festivals wherein they compete against one another in wrestling, wood chopping, stone lifting, and a variety of other awesome shit.  Their stone-lifting competitions, however, are in my opinion the coolest bit in the book.  Jeck describes a legendary competition between a stone mason and an accountant, both weighing between 200 and 220 lbs, in which they competed to shoulder a rectangular stone for reps, taking turns in 7 minute rounds.  The stones, by the way, weighed over 300 lbs apiece, and the mason won with 22 reps in 21 minutes... which is fucking insane.  This is what the Basques do on the weekend, though, which makes them far more awesome than we are.

So, having contemplated what I'd just read early on a Saturday morning, it occurred to me that not only do I lack access to stones for lifting, I lack the ability to store a stone if I had one made or simply found one and took it home.  I have the misfortune to currently live in a filing cabinet for the not-poor, and thus lack the necessary personal storage space in which I'd have to store such an object, and my gym is currently unfriendly to the idea of storing a big rock for me.  Thus, I was faced with a bit of a quandary.

There is no reason for this pic, other than all of the awesome contained therein.

Then, however, I recalled an exercise that would offer a not-horrible substitute for stone lifting, get me out of my comfort zone in the gym, and possibly offer me an opportunity to discover a new favorite exercise...

and this is how I learned to stop worrying about how much it sucks and just love the fuck out of Zercher lifts.  Amusingly, Zerchers aren't mentioned in Of Stones and Strength.  In fact, few exercises are mentioned, the workout program's ridiculously basic, and that page and a half of the book is pretty much the least interesting portion of it.  Nevertheless, it occurred to me that that "cradle" one uses for the bar is not too unlike that you use in stone lifting.  Given that I've no access to stone for the time being, the Zercher lift would be a good way to approximate stone lifting in the gym, so maybe when I find myself hanging out with a badass Scottish sextogenarian I don't find myself embarrassed by my inability to emulate his random overdressed feats of strength.

For those of you with little to no background in what a Zercher is, it can take many disparate forms.  The original Zercher lift was invented by a strongman named Ed Zercher, who while well-known in the strength community is tremendously hard to research online.  In any event, the guy was an old-school Steve Justa, except strong, and lifted in what has been described more than once as a junkyard in his basement.  He was a big fan of doing barbell leg presses, and due to his lack of a squat rack (though why he couldn't fashion one out of junk I'll never know) would deadlift the barbell, place it on top of his thighs, and then scoop his arms underneath the bar and continue the lift until he was at full lockout.  Horrible as that sounds, it's pretty analogous to stone lifting, especially when one uses Bob Peoples' deadlifting technique.

Peoples pulled 728 at 178 with a double overheand grip and a completely rounded back in 1946.

With the next blog in this series, I'll throw up a couple of vids showing you some Zercher permutations, explain Bob Peoples' deadlifting technique, and hook you guys up with more titties.  The chick, by the way, is ultra hot Pole Eva Wywal.

Go pick up something heavy.  She'll be lifting her tits.

Aeternus - Dark Sorcery

This is the ep that started it all. One of the best bands of all time that youve all heard by now, oddly enough though i think a lot of people overlook this album, and thats why im posting it. That, and its imo one of the finest pieces of black metal ever recorded. It is timeless, to this day still gives me a raging boner that im sure viagra couldnt compete with. The atmosphere is thick and fuzzy, and almost dreamy and ethereal in a way that for me is hard to compare to anything else. The vocals are low and evil, adding to the aformentioned atmosphere. The tempos are mostly slow throught, although a small amount of blasting is to be found. Classic in every sense of the word.

Dark Sorcery

Ulvhedner - Før I Tida

Here's some catchy black metal from Norway that might be new to some of you fuckers. Pretty clean recording and good musicianship. Even some occasional clean vocals thrown into the mix. Oh, it's also jam-packed with Norwegian lyrics to add to their mystical folklore vibe. You may recognize the vocalist/guitarist as someone who was in Tristania for a few years.

ulvhedner

Abattoir - Vicious Attack

Oh how i love this album, this is metal my friends. Abattoir, classic US speed metal from Combat Records that has featured Steel Prophet, and Evildead members. Full of high pitched screaming vocals, plenty of high speed and energetic riffing, oh and even features an awesome "Ace of Spades" cover. Winning.

Maniac

Antropomorphia - Necromantic Love Songs

Here we have Antropomorphia from the Netherlands, not a band i have always been familiar with, but when Deathevokation put out their awesome full length, they did a cover of a song off this album and i was instantly curious to hear the original. Long story short, this band fucking rules and its a bummer they didnt create more music. For those of you who love dirty and crushing old school death metal in the vein of Incantation and such, this is a must have for you, i tell no lies.

necrophilia yum yum

Sanhedrin - Salvation Through Sin

Sanhedrin are friends of mine, and they sent me their 2009 demo (last year i believe). And they are also worthy of this blog so i am going to help spread the word. Other then listening to the demo, i have not listened to this debut full length as of yet so i will keep this short. I can tell you that Sanhedrin play melodic black/death metal, with some symphonic tendencies and what comes to mind would be something along the lines of behemoth and dimmu borgir combined. So check this out and give some god damn feedback for once!!!

Salvation

Run and You'll Only Die Tired, The Evidence Part 3

The author of Born To Run.  He looks as godawful as you'd expect.

For those of you who've read Born To Run, you'd think after reading the book that humans may well have been adapted to run long distances, given the fact that the Tarahumara Indians of Mexico regularly run exceedingly long distances as a matter of course.  According to a variety of sources, the Tarahumera do run exceedingly long distances every day.  According to one source, "it's not uncommon for a Tarahumara to travel between fifty and eighty miles a day at a 'race' like pace."(Bearegard)  That's not due to any genetic predisposition, however, or because they necessarily enjoy it- it's because they have to.  The terrain where the Tarahumera live sucks fucking ass- it's all rocks and dirt, too rugged for horses and impossible for a wagon to traverse.  Throw on top of that that the Tarahumara are semi-nomadic pacifists who live in caves most of the time and are practically vegetarian (their diet is 10% protein, 10% fats, and 80% complex carbs)(Beauregard), and you've got a recipe for a bunch of people I've no interest in emulating.  As for their alleged "persistence hunting", it's a ploy to draw attention to the fact that their lives suck.  Due to their pacifist leanings, they've gotten pushed into progressively worse territory over the years, and now have their little mountainous shithole threatened by drug dealers, who are popping caps in the scrawny little Tarahumara scampering around so they prevent any drug interdictions by the Indians.  Because they run well, they're used by vegetarians and idiot jogging anthropologists to show that it's technically possible to run an animal to death.

Apparently, they think they're Palestinians.

The Tarahumara, however, kill small animals by pegging them with rocks, and generally eat livestock for their meager protein allowance.  Given that these filthy (and they're noted for being exceedingly dirty little fuckers) cave-dwelling assholes fish with fucking dynamite, I highly doubt they've got the attention span to run an animal to death as a matter of course- they do it so Westerners give them money and pity.  How anyone can pity people who fish with dynamite is a mystery I'll never solve- they fuck up the ecosystem beyond repair out of sheer laziness and I'm supposed to feel badly for them?  What's next?  Pitying homeless arsonists who burn down grocery stores so they can cook the meat inside?

Assholes.

Interestingly, the diet of the Tarhumara is remarkably similar to that of another group of half starved distance running goofballs from a third world shithole- the Kalenjin of Kenya.  Both groups eat a maize-based diet that's extremely high in carbohydrates and low in everything else, and they both run constantly due to their lack of other modes of transport.  Due to the combination of these factors, both groups are exceedingly thin, which confers a metabolic advantage in running long distances.  The "thinner calves of Kenyans have, on average, 400 grams less flesh in each lower leg. The farther a weight is from the center of gravity, the more energy it takes to move it. Fifty grams added to the ankle will increase oxygen consumption by 1%, Saltin's team calculates. For the Kenyans, that translates into an 8% energy savings to run a kilometer."(Holden)  According to scientists, who seem to study third world distance running societies more than any other group of people on Earth, these adaptations are mostly ontogenic, rather than genetic.  Thus, it's the fact that they're starved unto childlike proportions and then run ragged every day of their lives that confers the ability to never win an Olympic gold medal in the marathon but get a shitload of publicity for jogging.  Oh, you didn't know that?  No Kalenjin or Tarahumara has ever won an Olympic gold in the marathon.  Sure, Kalenjin males hold records in the race, but as far as the Olympics go, they're getting shelled.  As such, all it appears to take to learn to run long distances well is a capacity to endure boredom and a willingness to be weak as shit and appear though you might be dying.  Does that mean that we're naturally predisposed to it?  Only if it means you have to weigh less than a middle-schooler and be incapable of defending yourself from either the common cold or any irascible party weighing more than 60 kg.

Were we naturally predisposed to it, I highly doubt that Buddhist monks would use distance running as a path to enlightenment.  Given their propensity for depriving themselves of even the basic necessities like food, water, and sex in order to achieve enlightenment, it's highly unlikely they'd engage in a practice to which humans are naturally predisposed in order to get to Nirvana... and yet, they do.  The "Marathon Monks of Mount Hiei" engage in a particularly ridiculous practice of kaihogyo, which means  "practice of circling the mountains." It involves a 100 day term of running in which the participant must either hang themselves or commit seppuku if they cannot complete the course of nonstop running.


The rules of kaihogyo are fairly simple:
During the run the robe and hat may not be removed.
No deviation from the appointed course.
No stopping for rest of refreshment.
All required services, prayers, and chants must be correctly performed.
No smoking of drinking.

Even their hats suck.

The participant "gyoja" "gyoja begins at midnight. They are given a small meal and around 1:30, they start the running of 40 kilometers each day. There are many stations that they must stop by often. They are able to sit only once during the entire course.


They return to Hiei between about 7 and 9am where they attend a service, bathe, and eat a midday meal. During the afternoon, they attend more services, rest for an hour and attend to chores. They go to bed around 8 or 9pm and the day begins again at midnight. This is repeated 100 times to finish the first term.


Some time in this term, they must perform the kirimawari, which is a 54- kilometer run. A senior marathon monk accompanies the gyoja on this. To accomplish this, they usually lose a whole day of sleep but must just keep right on with their 100-day schedule.


These 100 days are very difficult. Their feet and legs begin to throb and often get cuts and infections. Being so cold in Japan, they often get frostbite and very sick during the first weeks of the run. They also experience many problems such an pains in their back and hips, diarrhea and hemorrhoids. By the 70th day, the gyoja has finally “acquired the marathon monk stride: eyes focused about 100 feet ahead while moving along is a steady rhythm, keeping the head level, the shoulders relaxed, the back straight, and the nose and navel aligned.


If the gyoja successfully completes the 100-day term, he can petition to try the 1000-day term. This term will take seven years to complete.

I have no words for this nonsense.

The first 300 days of this are basic training days where they continue to run for 40 kilometers per day. In the 4th and 5th year, the pace quickens where they run for 200 executive days. After accomplishing this, they are allowed to use a walking stick and where a special tabi hat.


After completing the 700th day, the gyoja faces their most difficult feat. They must survive nine days without food, water, sleep, or rest. This period of time is called the doiri. Several weeks before hand, they prepare for this event by limiting themselves to small amounts of food so they will be ready when the time comes. When the doiri period begins, they spend their days reciting chants that they repeat 100,000 times. By the fifth day, they are dehydrated and are allowed to rinse their mouths with water but must spit out every last drop that enters their mouth. They usually go outside and take in the fresh mountain air where they are able to absorb moisture from the rain and dew through their skin. Usually what the gyoja finds most difficult is not the lack of food and water, but keeping awake and keeping the proper posture at all times of the day.


The doiri is purposely made to let the gyoja face death. After this period of time, they have come so close to death that they develop a sensitivity to life. They "can hear ashes fall form incense sticks, smell and identify foods from miles away and see the sun and moonlight seep into the interior of the temple." Psychologists who examined the bodies at the end of the seven day period found that the gyojas had many symptoms of a dead person. The gyoja are now able to experience a feeling of transparency. Everything exits their bodies-good, bad, and neutral."(Schmid)

The mad monk of powerlifting's not fucking running anywhere.

Doesn't sound fucking natural to me- it sounds like they're essentially doing the opposite of natural- they're flirting with death by running long distances.  Again, these monks eat a diet nearly bereft of protein (they're vegetarians), are half-starved, and weigh next to nothing.

Paula Radcliff.  World record holder in the marathon, looking healthy.  For a death camp survivor, at least.

In short, distance running is a big bag of bullshit done by anorexic people and people so fucking shiftless and stupid that they fish with dynamite.  This is not what humans are designed to do.  Up next- how to train if you actually want to develop cardiovascular fitness while maintaining whatever strength you have

Sources:
Beauregard, Art.  Running Feet.  Lehigh University.  12/1996.  http://www.lehigh.edu/~dmd1/art.html
Holden, Constance.  Peering Under the Hood of Africa's Runners.  Science AAAS.  7/30/04.  http://www.jonentine.com/reviews/AAAS_peeringUnderTheHood.htm
Schmid, Holly.

Necrodeath - Into the Macabre

More old school! Necrodeath's 1987 debut album featuring some of the more insane black/death/thrash metal of the period. The band is still going strong today with drummer "Peso" being the only original member of Italy's seminal extreme metal legends. The band took a 10 year hiatus from 1989 to 1999 but have still managed to release nine albums of pounding, face melting mayhem. So if Necrodeaath has somehow flown under your radar over the years, there's no better place to start than right at the beginning with their mind-blowing debut.

necrosadist

Darkified - Sleep Forever

Eight and a half minutes of pure blackened death metal bliss featuring Jocke Göthberg whom would later find success in Swedish black metal legends Marduk. This EP was released in 1992, a demo was released the year before. In 1995 a compilation was released featuring both and that would about complete the discography of a once very promising band. Sadly, no full-lengths. Meh... I hate when that shit happens.

sleep forever

In the Woods... - A Return to the Isle of Men

Before Norway's In The Woods... released a trio of exceptional albums, the legendary and lengthy "Isle of Men" demo was in my lucky little hands and pleasing my ears. This cassette clocked in at over 46 minutes which is insane for a demo as you all know. "A Return to the Isle of Men" is a re-released version of this legendary demo with a couple subtle differences; a rehearsal version of "Heart of the Ages" and a new song at the time titled "...and all this from which was and will never come again... (Child of Universal Tongue)". The original demo was released in 1993, the release posted here in 1996. Early In The Woods.. was Pagan and Naturist themed progressive black metal which obviously inspired bands such as Agalloch. In The Woods... would eventually morph into the band Green Carnation.

wotan's return

Bestial Warlust - Vengeance War Till Death

War is Hell. And when you listen to wall of chaotic violent noise Australia's Bestial Warlust create you begin to understand why. It sucks this band was only around long enough to realease two albums of complete bedlam. 1994's debut, "Vengence War Till Death" is my personal favorite of the two. Hell, I liked this album so much that I wore the T-Shirt with graphics of the album cover on front and band photo on the back at my first wedding. Featuring K.K. Warslut of Destroyer 666 fame and a barrage of blast beats, whirlwind guitar playing and violent, hateful vocals that will convince your neighbors that you're a devil worshiper when they hear this blaring out your window. I love posting my old school favorites and this one certainly fits the bill. This is fucking pandemonium.

corpse molestation

Decayed - The Black Metal Flame

Here we have the underrated Decayed. Pure Black Metal the way it was meant to be. So those that like their Black Metal with no frills or experimental influences, and just pure fucking armageddon, this could work for you.

Come on you cunts!!!

Magus - Ruminations of Debauchery

Here is the compilation from magnus, a band featuring Sir Proscriptor from Absu, a band that lasted roughly six months, so this compilation features just about everything they ever recorded. Despite being short lived, Magnus managed to make some cool music, there is no doubt. I dont consider this pre Absu like some people, other then occult lyrics, there are no similarities. Magnus is very raw and cavernous, dark doom death, and an odd listening experience at that. Deep rumbling vocals, thin raw production (keep in mind this is not a full length album, its demo quality sound) grinding bass, and violins even appear now and again. A better production and lengthier careed would have been beneficial for them, but im sure it wasnt in the cards for some reason or another. We got Absu anyways so who really cares.

Occult debauchery

Hell-Born - Legacy of the Nephilim

Black/Death out of Poland, more on the death side, but with some black elements here and there. Couple of ex Behemoth and even Vader i believe, together they perform some fucking solid metal. Guitars are always grinding and shredding, drumming is great and the vocals remind me a lot of the dude from The Crown. Cool stuff.

Mandatory Legacy

Vinterland - Welcome My Last Chapter

Funny when bands release one album, which happens to be a masterpiece, and then go their seperate ways. It happens a lot in metal, and it happened with this band. One of the better bands of the early swedish scene. A three piece, with two of the members from The Black, and Tyrant. This will please Dissection fans if you are unaware of this band, so if you are make sure you check it out, you will agree that this shouldnt be passed up.

Velcome

Darkmoon - Seas of Unrest

Second album from kvlt band Darkmoon, from North Carolina. Its albums like this that you can reference when somebody tries to point out that the US fails at black metal. In fact, im going to go ahead and say that this is probably one of the best black metal albums to ever come from the US. Ever. Its definitely not an album (or band for that matter) to miss. This is epic black metal done right, it just feels fucking genuine, with never a dull moment and never uninspired. Musicianship is precise as well. Drums sometimes hit light speed, as do the guitars, shredding out many memorable riffs and solos to boot. Vocals are scathing as you would expect, oh and one last note, band contains former Nile, Demonic Christ, and Acheron members. Get this.


Kvlt USBM inside!!!

Weltenbrand - The End of The Wizard

Ok, time to switch this shit up. Kinda. I have meant to put some non metal stuff on this blog, its been my intent since its inception, so here ya go, its kind of non metal. I received this free from moribund records once, although its a Napalm release. So, Napalm, you should be able to figure out pretty fast what it sounds like, most of Napalms current roster, but less metal-y. I actually like this for the most part, the only complaint i have is while they are not bad, the clean vocals get kind of monotanous. Its full of gothicy folksy stuff that i know nothing about. There are some scant guitars and drums amongst the ambient atmosphere, and some harsh vocals tossed in here and there. Once again i know next to nothing about this kind of stuff, its probably kinda fruity, but so are you. Poser.


Napalm

The Black-The Priest of Satan

Another trip back to the glory days of black metal, 1994 to be exact. This time you are treated with one of my favorite releases of the era. Jon Nödtveidt (RIP) of Dissection fame found an outlet for his harsh, raw, less epic or technical black metal tendencies here. And what we're left with is a release that embodies the true spirit of black metal in all it's satanic glory. Jon carries the moniker of "Rietas" on this particular disk and handles guitar, vocal and keyboard duties in a manner in which you're not accustomed if you're used to hearing his brilliance in Dissection with everything having a far more raw and aggressive tone overall. Famously known for his anti-cosmic, chaos gnostic satanist beliefs, Nödtveidt covers his journey down this path far more than he did in Dissection during this era. My only complaint is that most of the songs are a bit short in length, but make no mistake... This album is a classic!

Towards the Golden Dawn

BLOODY HELL

Shit changes. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, and sometimes you are just like...ummm, whut?

Sometimes you are moving to Ottawa.

Living in Toronto, in a hip as hell neighbourhood with hipsters hipping, its terrifying to think about moving to dull, boring, lame Ottawa. I know nothing about it because no one cares about it when you live in Toronto. All the footage we see is skating on the canal or people having calm and Canadian press conferences.

 But job offers getting turned down because you like to look at daddies with full sleeves at the grocery store is kind of a bad life plan right? RIGHT? 

Not moving until fall, so I have one last summer to do Toronto. Go to shows, eat Burrito Boyz and generally try not to think about how cold and safe and family friendly Ottawa is. As it gets closer the moving date, I am sure I will flip my shit. 

(Everyone says I will love it there, I say, you move there!)

Lived in Toronto for 10 years I guess, and I feel like I am a bit tired of certain life stuff, so it will be fresh and new, even if that new is dull. 

P.S. I am pretty sure no one has ever used that font for an Ottawa graphic. And never will again. Ever.

Under That Spell - Apotheosis

Weeeeeee these guys seemed to come out of nowhere, Germanys Under That Spell, featuring a couple Helrunar members. Is it a side project? I do not know, i guess time will tell. Helrunar is and has always been excellent, but this here, this is pretty awesome. Has kind of an old school black metal vibe, with a clear production, great musicianship and songwriting has impressed me. You will like it too.

Spellbound

Krow - Before the Ashes

Ok first off, before i talk about new kids on the block Krow, from Brazil, i will state the ONLY problem i had with the release was the cover art and logo. For this type of music it looks too modern something like a metalcore band would use, and the logo is kind of weak. Considering the kind of ferocious death metal you will find therein. I look at cover art and logos from an old school standpoint where we bought metal albums based sometimes on those two details. On to the music, Krow definitely pay some excellent homeage to countrymen Krisiun ala savage ravaging death metal played with considerable skill, toss some slayer in there for some similar riffs and voila. Dont let this one slip past you, it deserves a little attention for not approaching death metal the way most bands are doing it these days.

bestial devastation

If You're In This World To Live Up To Others' Expectations, Expect To Fucking Suck

Generally, I have about as much faith in psychotherapy as I do in a higher power who will heed my every whim and bestow upon me every little thing for which I wish.  That is to say, less than none.  There's one guy, however, who caught my attention based on the fact that his entire theory of therapy revolved around taking personal responsibility for shit- basically, he was all about having people man the fuck up and wreck shit themselves, rather than asking for permission from others and allowing them to limit your growth as a person.  The guy, Fritz Perls, is quoted as having said “I am not in this world to live up to other people's expectations, nor do I feel that the world must live up to mine”, which is both fairly poignant and important in a modern era wherein nearly everyone on Earth constantly seeks approval from others on their dumbass social networking sites.  Few places is that shit more horrifying and disgusting than weightlifting-related sites, where there's sundry threads all devoted to asking what reasonable expectations a person might have given a bunch of retarded caveats and personal body measurements.  If you've ever penned one of those threads, you should punch yourself in the fucking face.  I've sort of posted about this phenomenon before, but I thought I'd revisit this issue for a couple of reasons.  They are:

1. people often have hyper-inflated and ridiculous expectations of what they can expect physique- and performance-wise, and seem to want everything right fucking now
2. people seem to think that a random person on the internet could accurately gauge the potential of a perfect stranger over the internet
3. people seem to have no fucking idea what to expect when they enter the gym on any given day

As such, I've decided to come to the rescue and save you from your baser, sadder, more needy motivations and put you on a path on which you at least stand on your own two feet and lean on other people, if you don't just fucking stand up like a goddamned man with your hands on your hips and your legs spread in the universal stance of "I dominate shit and will melt your face off Charlie Sheen style if you fuck with me."  And ladies, this applies to you as well- being a woman's not really an excuse to be needy, and it's simple enough to out-man most of the eunuchs you'll find on the street anyway.

On a side note, standing like this actually tricks your brain into making you feel more powerful.  You should do it all the fucking time, as the master of your domain.  Studies even show that standing with your hands on your hips and legs spread (a dominance/power pose) increases testosterone by about 19 per cent and decreases cortisol by about 25 per cent. If you stand like a little bitch with your arms and legs all intertwined like some sort of ridiculous contortionist / human pretzel, you can actually decrease testosterone by 10 per cent and increase cortisol by 17 per cent.  As such, you should try to stand like a fucking superhero whenever possible.(Carney)

 But I digress.  I shall start at the end, as that's how I respond to emails and read magazines, and it occasionally confuses people, which I enjoy immensely.  Additionally, it's the thing I really wanted to address with this post- what to expect when you enter the gym.  

You should not expect this.

My answer, for once, is purely based upon my own experience, and has no basis in science.  As such, you should take it for what it's worth- it's a benchmark/suggestion/anecdote, not the answer to all of one's questions and the meaning of life.  In any event, I've found that when training 6+ times a week (moderately heavy to very heavy sessions), one quarter to one third of those sessions will probably not be stellar.  I'd say they'd suck, but my "suck" workouts generally exceed in duration and poundage any three workouts I see other people doing, but they're those with which I feel generally disaffected, and wish could have gone better.  This is not something I expect, however- I never look at my week and think, "well, I can blow off this fucking workout because I've already had three awesome workouts in a row."  Rather, it's just something that happens as a matter of course.  The more session I add, the more the 1/4-1/3 rule seems to apply, but it's never a constant thing.  It could boil down to two weeks of setting the gym on fire and tearing shit apart, and then one during which I seem to be suffering from general malaise, or couple of months of awesome followed by one of a lackadaisical attitude.  Again, it's never something for which I plan, but something I accept as the cost of doing business.

Not even Stan Efferding's on the top of his game 365 days a year.

Nor is this something that causes me to rethink my training frequency.  I think this is simply a function of the cyclical nature of humanity, and the natural ebb and flow of things.  You're not a machine, and you should not expect your body to behave as one.  If you lived in a universe where you could control every single factor affecting your athletic performance, you might have a shot at preventing this ebb and flow in microcycles, but you wouldn't on a macro scale- everyone has their slumps.

Speaking of which, I've found that nearly every year I have a slight backslide.  Over the course of my decade and a half of training I've definitely strung together multiple years of advancements, but everyone gets bogged down in the trenches every now and again, and everyone has to give ground from time to time.  Over time, you'll find that weight training is VERY analogous to WWI- at the outset, you'll make a badass, hardline drive for Paris, but after a year, you're measuring your progress in scant inches.  That's just how shit works, and there's fuckall you can do about it.  As such, be glad for your inches and keep pushing forward.

Again, don't expect this.

But "what should I expect?", you might be asking.  WHO FUCKING CARES?  If you know you should expect a certain amount, you'll stop once you hit that amount, or slack off.  If you failed to reach the prescribed numbers, you'd probably bitch and quit lifting anyway.  As such, asking strangers on the internet about your personal potential is fucking stupid to the point of offensiveness.  Don't fucking do it.  Ever.  They've no way to accurately assess what your potential is, especially given the fact that they've never met you, never will meet you, and have no way of checking the veracity of any of the claims you've made about your height/weight/prs, etc.  Even if there were a way for someone to semi-accurately predict "how much weight you could gain in a year" or "how much your bench could go up in a year", it would still be an artificial limitation on your progress, which will ultimately lead to your failure.(Van Fleet 59)  Push your limits.  Take chances.  Stretch yourself.  Learn.  Grow as a person.  Stop relying on others to tell you what you can do, who you are, and what you can be, and find out for your fucking self.

You're doing it wrong.

Finally, abandon the thought that you can have everything you want right fucking now.  You've heard for years that our society is obsessed with instant gratification, and people laugh this off while they bitch about how they can't have what they want instantaneously.  This is made worse by the fat fucks getting gastric bypass and people getting implants all over their bodies and shooting synthol.  Spend five to ten years breaking your ass inside out in the gym and at the dinner table.  If you still suck then, you can start bitching, but do it quietly, off the internet, and know that at the end of the day, the fault likely lies with you.  There's always something more you can do in furtherance of your goals...

so go fucking do it.  Just don't expect any miracles, unless you happen to know a purportedly magical Jewish carpenter or something.

Sources:

Carney DR, Cuddy AJ, Yap AJ.  Power posing: brief nonverbal displays affect neuroendocrine levels and risk tolerance.  Psychol Sci. 2010 Oct 1;21(10):1363-8. Epub 2010 Sep 20.
Van Fleet, James K. Hidden Power:  How to Unleash the Power of Your Subconscious Mind.  1987.