Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Baddest Motherfuckers Ever #21- Brian Oldfield

Let the pissing and moaning commence! Another asshole, and this guy would probably laugh right along with me looking at pictures of people in death camps and various acts of genocide. Know why? He knows that people suck, and made a living out of humiliating people and generally acting like the greatest thing since sliced fucking bread.  Yeah, he was fucking awesome.
"When God invented man, He wanted him to look like me" - Brian Oldfield

Picture this- it's the early 1970s, some gigantic, jacked, tan, blond haired guy looking like a freakish amalgamation of Cali surfer and NFL defensive lineman rolls up to a local track and field meet, smoking a cigarette and smelling like stripper perfume.  He changes, and 5 minutes later sets an unofficial world record in the shot put, using a technique later named after him because the man was not only freakishly strong and cocky as fuck, but an innovator.
Some pertinent facts about Brian Oldfield:
  • He beat Lou Ferrigno in a weightlifting competition in a 1976 Superstars competition with a jerk of 310. Nothing monumental, but it was enough to chump the Incredible Hulk on national TV.
  • He competed in the 1972 Olympics.
  • He set three world records.  Two unofficial (70' 10 1/2" in 1973) and (75 feet in 1975) and one official throw of 70+ at age 40, which still stands as a record for his age group.
  • He set the American Record of 72' 9" in 1984 at the Bruce Jenner Invitational.
That's all well and good, but frankly, I could give a fuck about how far he could throw a stone ball.  That shit really only matters to guys who played offensive line in high school and who now sport goatees.  As I'm neither, his shot put numbers mean about as much to me as the speed at which Oldfield types, though I'd imagine the motherfucker was even good at that in his prime.  What makes Oldfield interesting is the fact that he appears to have been awesome at everything, was a strength athlete who was pretty fucking lean at 280+, and who was essentially the strength athlete cognate for Nikola Tesla, an innovator who left a badass legacy although he was fucked hard by circumstance and denied the respect he deserved at his prime.
He even had a great metal face.

From the New York Times:
"Brian Oldfield put the shot 75-feet -inch in a meet at El Paso in May of 1975. That didn't break the existing world record, it obliterated it. Unfortunately, Brian was competing for something called the International Track Assn. at the time. It was, you should pardon the expression, a professional organization, it--come closer, you wouldn't want the kids to hear this--paid its athletes.
What the ITA did was charge admission to its track meets and distributed the proceeds among the competitors. If you can't see any difference between that and what TAC or the NCAA, for all of that, does, go to the head of the class. The difference is the ITA did it openly. They subtracted the hypocrisy. This, of course, was unforgivable to the reigning "amateur" associations.
Somebody had to pay. And Brian was as good a candidate as any. "Say," someone said at a federation meeting, "didn't he smoke on the field at the Olympics once?"
So, Brian's record throw, which was made under allowable conditions, scrupulously measured and calibrated, was not only disallowed, it was ignored. It never happened. Track and field, which falls all over itself certifying some mysterious mark set in the bowels of Siberia by a Soviet vaulter nobody ever heard of, before an audience of two KGB colonels and a guy in a fur hat, threw Oldfield's record as far as it would go. It was not quite far enough. It made the Guinness Book of Records, albeit in the--ha, ha--section right by the goldfish swallowing and the number of students who could pack into a Volkswagen.
In the weird half-life of amateur athletics, Brian was eligible domestically but not internationally. So, he dropped over to a meet in San Jose in 1983 and casually tossed a new American record of 72-feet 9 3/4-inches, only one inch short of the world record.
Brian Oldfield will be highly visible at the shotput ring at the ARCO Coliseum track meet next Saturday. He'll be the one smoking."
So, Oldfield got fucked in about every way he possibly could have been, despite the fact that he was for all intents and purposes the Chuck Norris of track and field.  But how Chuck Norris-ey was he, you ask?

  • HE BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF A BEAR WITH HIS BARE HANDS.  "The minute I got into the ring Little Smokey knew he was in trouble.  He was looking over at the crowd thinking this would be easy meat, and here I came.  Well, the bear threw me a forearm in the neck, which made me mad right away.  I picked him up and threw him through the ropes.  Now the bear wanted no part of me, but I jumped on him and beat him backward.  I was going to wishbone the SOB and break his sternum in half, but his handlers must have realized my adrenaline was flowing.  They came in and took the bear away."
  • Oldfield was on the cover of SI and Playgirl in the same fucking year.
  • He starred in a movie in the 1980s that rivals Troll 2 for utter shit show quality, in which he starred as some jacked guy who ran around and headbutted people to death while rocking a spiked helmet.  If that's not enough awesomely cheesy suck for a film about some suburban broad who battles backwoods drug smugglers in a post-apocalyptic jungle, the tagline for the film is: "Born to shop, she learned to kill!"  
  • assed and he wore nothing but a Speedo.
  • He outraced a top female sprinter in the 60 yard dash, and then threw her over his shoulder like a rag doll.  
  • He broke a guy's upper and lower jaw with one punch... with his left hand.  (Oldfield was right-handed)
  • Coined the phrase "I just had a throwgasm" on national TV.
  • In another race against a chick sprinter, he smoked her for 70 yards, then turned and ran backwards for the last 30, mocking her gender the entire way.
  • Missing his fucking calling in the NFL entirely, Oldfield high jumped 6' 6"; ran the 100M in 10.5; ran the 40 yard dash in 4.3 seconds.  For the purposes of comparison, Dwight Freeney only runs a 4.5 40 at a paltry bodyweight of 268.  (Oldfield was 6'5" 275)
  • After receiving a royal fucking in track and field, Oldfield moved to Highland Games, which he apparently dominated like he was fucking Cobra Commander. Utilizing his eponymous shot put technique, Oldfield was able to set a record in the stone put that remains nearly 40 years after he set it- 63'2" in the light stone.
  • Ever out to show he could hang with anyone, Oldfield went to to toe with Muhammad "Fuck you cracka" Ali and rolled with ultra-mega-superstar wrestler Verne Gagne.
  • He picked up a spare while bowling with a move where he chucked the ball one-handed between his legs... one more "fuck you" to the athletes of a sport who he could beat while acting like a total dick and demeaning their sport entirely.
  • HE DUNKED A FUCKING 16 LB (7kg and some change in metric nonsense) SHOT PUT.


My apologies for the shit music there, but I had nothing to do with making the video.

His workout's likely irrelevant, as the man was a born athlete and kicked ass all over the place without even trying.  Despite that fact, here's some tips (in his words) on how he trained:


1. Lift twice a week, but do full body, explosive, heavy stuff
2. Train with overweight implements
3. Take your minerals
4. Sprint training or hills is very important
5. Become a true student of your event and try to think through every single aspect of what you do
6. Discover what foods you are allergic to
7. Complicate the movement with drills to simplify it in the ring
8. Enjoy yourself...have some fun!


...and here are some of his training weights:

(Pre-Olympics)
C&J – 365
BP – 400
Front Squat – 465 (3 reps)
Push Press – 450 (3 reps)


His (alleged, for you whiny motherfuckers) best lifts were eventually: 
Front Squat 600 x 10 reps
Back squats 600 x 25 reps


25 REPS WITH 600 ON THE BACK SQUAT... and he was a fan of kettlebells.

The key to Oldfield's success appears to have been massive self-confidence, the desire to fuck, fight, or generally own anything or anyone that crossed his path, and a disdain for the ordinary.  Life lessons?  You bet your ass.
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