**Fuck the Treadmill- I've Got A Real Warmup For You

I detest running. I detest stair climbing. Basically, I detest cardio in all of its myriad forms, save for those conducted while horizontal. Thus, it was a combination of that hatred, and the belief that there is absolutely no correlation between cardiovascular fitness and prepping for heavy lifting, that led me to start warming up in a highly unconventional, and moderately controversial, way.

I tan.

Yup, I tan. Now, before you assholes start screaming "GAY!" at the top of your lungs and scrubbing yourselves down with bleach to cleanse yourselves from what will undoubtedly be called the single gayest warm-up ever in forums around the internet, allow me to explain.

According to Chris Shugart:

"Studies on Vitamin D, sunlight, and performance go back for decades. Russian studies in the 1930's showed that 100M dash times improved in irradiated athletes vs. non-irradiated athletes undergoing the same training (7.4% improvement vs. 1.4%).

German studies in the 1940's showed that irradiation lead to a 13% improvement in performance on the bike ergometer vs. no improvement in the control group.

He might not look it, but I bet he loved tanning.

In the 1950's researchers saw a "convincing effect" on athletic performance after treating athletes at the Sports College of Cologne. Findings were so convincing that they notified the Olympic Committee.

At one point, even school children were irradiated and given large doses of Vitamin D in 1952 Germany. Treated children showed dramatic increases in overall fitness and cardiovascular performance. UV radiation was also shown to improve reaction times by 17% in a 1956 study.

In the 1960s, a group of American college women were treated with a single dose of ultraviolet irradiation. The results: improvements in strength, speed, and endurance.

Other studies showed "distinct seasonal variation" in the trainability of musculature. Basically, athletes performed better and got stronger in the late summer due to their greater exposure to the sun and subsequent Vitamin D production.

Vitamin D has also been shown to act directly on muscle to increase protein synthesis. Deficient subjects administered Vitamin D showed improvement in muscle protein anabolism and an increase in muscle mass.

Improvements in neuromuscular functioning have also been seen. People with higher levels of Vitamin D generally have better reaction time and balance."(1)

Thus, there might be a marked increase in training abilities after one has gone tanning. Additionally, I get awesome naps in tanning beds, so taking a preworkout upon entering the bed and busting out a ten minute nap is perfect, because the pre-workout wakes me up just as the bed is shutting off, I get a little catnap in, which leaves me more energetic (and possibly improving my cognitive and athletic performance),(2) and I'm brimming with Vitamin-D filled goodness.

Still unconvinced? The use of tanning lamps on German swimmers in 1927 was considered to be an example of "athletic unfairness" and was halted. Dr. Tim Ziegenfuss, a noted sports nutritionist and researcher, classifies Vitamin D as a hormone because its metabolic product (calcitriol) is a secosteroid hormone (a molecule that's very similar to a steroid).(3) THAT is fucking badass.

Finally, it's fucking pleasant, and I like having a tan.

So, if you want to jog around like you're Ron Fucking Burgundy, than by all means, have at it. Me? I'll enjoy my nap and my tan and my improved performance and revel in the fact that I'm strong enough that I need run from nothing- especially injury from failing to "properly warm up".

Maybe they're onto something...

1. Shugart, Chris. "D Is For Doping". T-Nation. http://www.tmuscle.com/free_online_article/sports_body_training_performance_nutrition/d_is_for_doping
2. Waterhouse J, Atkinson G, Edwards B, Reilly T. "The role of a short post-lunch nap in improving cognitive, motor, and sprint performance in participants with partial sleep deprivation." Research Institute for Sport and Exercise Sciences, Liverpool John Moores University, Liverpool, UK. J Sports Sci. 2007 Dec;25(14):1557-66. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17852691
3. Cannell JJ, Hollis BW, Sorenson MB, Taft TN, Anderson JJ.  Athletic performance and vitamin D.  Med Sci Sports Exerc. 2009. May;41(5):1102-10.  http://www.sseproducts.com/Athletic%20Performance%20and%20Vitamin%20D.pdf  (Russian, German, and American sources for athletic improvements from tanning contained therein.

Blackforestcake

I made a new little print available at my "cute shop" blackforestcake!

Little squirrel having a lunch break.

I did this painting before the Holiday madness set in, and its been sitting around my studio. I am varnishing the original today, and depending on how it turns out, I may sell it too. :-)

I am having a hard time getting back into my normal routine because something is going on with the heat in my studio. Its not broken, but its not working either! I am usually always complaining about being cold, but it is actually cold in here this time. The heat is cranked up and the heaters are merely warm.  My apartment building is really old and has no insulation.

Its making me grumpy. Grumpier than usual!!

P.S. Tomorrow is photo day for the wool critters I made before Christmas.

**Live Dangerously and You Live Right.

Goethe said that. He was all about being a badass and living on the edge, to the point where he also stated that "The dangers of life are infinite, and among them is safety."

I live, essentially, by credos like "nothing ventured, nothing gained", "no guts, no glory" and "fortune favors the bold". These are the mottoes on which I base my life, my training philosophy, and my very persona. Many a tactician has lived and died by these mottoes, and given that weightlifting is essentially a battle with iron, it would stand to reason that we march toward the enemy with the fearlessness and disdain it deserves.

That stated, this is a high-risk, high-yield methodology. You're not inured from risk. You flirt with it. You tempt it. You cavort with risk every single time you grab the bar. It's essential you realize this, because if you ignore the risk, injury, or hurt, it will surprise and discourage you.

Pain is a reminder that you're alive.

You will hurt. This is the nature of life- pain.

A couple of months ago, I fucked myself up badly doing the ultimate in high-risk, high-yield exercises, the Behind the Neck Push Press. I've told the story here before- I spent about an hour doing singles with 315, then missed one, bashed myself in the head with it, and crashed into a massive, hulking, two story leg press machine, which is now my nemesis. My bad elbow swelled up like I was an African with elephantiasis and I could barely extend my arm, much less do useful weights on BTNs, for quite some time. Since then, I've become a bit of a pussy on them, training in gyms where I can't dump the weight, or just not loading up like a man would. That ended the other day. I rocked the fuck out of 295-315 for multiple singles, and 285 for a bunch of doubles. At the end, I got it into my head that I was going to do a death set. Given that I was in the gym after hours, by myself, in a city where no one knows me, this could have actually been a death set. I pushed through a few reps, then blasted myself in the back of the head and called it a day. Three days later, my neck is killing me, but I finally rid myself of my low-grade headache.

There's another standpoint from which to view the art of training dangerously- from an economic standpoint. ChAoS and PAIN is essentially a high-risk, high-yield bond. Conservative investors, of which I bet Stuart McRobert and Mark Rippetoe are representatives, tend to avoid "junk" bonds, focusing instead on bullshit like CDs and municipal bonds. Why even fucking bother, in my opinion, buying one of those? The rate of return is only marginally better than what I get on my fucking checking account with Schwab. Thus, Ripp and McRobert advise people to stick with low volume exercises, low risk movements (McRobert likes leg presses because they're safe, which is utter horseshit, and bespeaks his idiocy), and they probably enjoy elevator music, the color beige, and movies starring Alan Alda.

If he's saying to himself, "Why god, why? Why do I suck so fucking badly?", that makes two of us.

An article in the Motley Fool a while back read:
"As an investor with a focus on dividends, "Don't chase high-yielding stocks" is particularly close to my heart. In theory, a high yield screams high risk. In practice, a high yield can also mean slow growth prospects or simply that a company is being misunderstood by the market."

CnP is a perfect example of the latter- it's a program that is misunderstood by the market. Asshats all over the interwebs, all of whom would lose a fistfight to a cardboard cutout of Miley Cyrus, have high bodyfat percentages and are as weak as AIDS-ridden kittens, have had a lot of bullshit to say about CnP, and not a single one have tried it. They fail to understand that there's a method to the madness, and that while this methodology does indeed carry a higher rate of risk, it also bears a far higher rate of return.

D.E.B. Dubois once said that the "most important thing to remember is this: To be ready at any moment to give up what you are for what you might become." So, it's time to give up sucking and become a badass. Know that you've got to crack a few eggs to make an omlette. Abandon your fear.

Attack the weights.


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