*This Song Is My New Anthem

*I Only Eat Food In Bar Form (The Supplements You Own End Up Owning You, Addendum)

Best. Simpsons Episode. Ever.

Homer Simpson: "I only eat food in bar form. When you concentrate food, you unleash its awesome power, I'm told. That's why I'm compressing 5 pounds of spaghetti into a handy mouth-sized bar.

(eats it, then dials phone)

Hospital please."

That's about the long and the short of it. The fact that something is in a health food store, or is branded as a supplement, does not make it good for you, and does not mean that it's going to help you get stronger, more muscular, or leaner. People consistently fail to realize this fact, due to ignorance of what "healthy" is, because they're snowed by marketing, and because they are simply too fucking stupid to know the difference.

Though Homer seems like a fucking retard for having the idea that any food in a bar form is good for him, there are plenty of motherfuckers running around who erroneously think that the following are worth consuming:

Clif Bars

Better known as "The Superhighway to Type 2 Diabetes", this granola-filled shitpile of a "health food" contains a whopping 21 g of sugar weighed against a paltry 9 g of protein. As if that were not enough of a nutritional ass-raping, the Clif bar is chock full of man-tit and limp-cock making soy, which is just what every man needs in his life. "But the sugar comes from brown rice syrup" you say? Go fuck yourself. Sugars come in many forms, and guess what- THEY'RE STILL SUGAR. The source of the sugar is negligible when you're consuming 21g in a go, especially when it's consumed with Soy Protein Isolate, Organic Roasted Soybeans, Organic Soy Flour, Soy White Chocolate, and Organic Soy Butter. Soy white chocolate? What kind of fucking evil, man-hating cunt created soy-based chocolate? I've no idea who she is, but she is an evil bitch, and she definitely fucking hates you.

Did I mention they also make a "Builders Bar" that contains 20g of protein? Yup. Not only is the first fucking ingredient Soy Protein Isolate, but it also contains Organic Soy Protein Concentrate, Organic Oat Fiber, and Soy Lecithin. Yippee! If you happen to look them up, out of morbid curiosity, you'll see they contain "chicory syrup" and chicory. Chicory is essentially poor-man's coffee, so I thought perhaps that it was a shitty coffee flavoring thing, but no- that's a "non-FDA approved term (non GRAS and non- CFR compliant) for high fructose syrup." I don't know what Clif looks like, but I'd imagine it's a lot like this:

Balance Bars

Trust me- at some point, we've all grabbed one in a time of catabolism and scarfed it down, in hope that it will at least provide us with enough muscle-sparing properties to get us to real food. After all, it's based on the Crossfit approved Zone macronutrient ratio of 40% carbs, 30% protein, and 30% fat, so it has to be okay for you, right? Wrong, fuckface. That diet is spawned by the same mindset of mediocrity that produced the alleged television "comedy" show "Reba" and artistically disinclined, noisome, aural nightmare that is Muzak, both of which are proof that the gods all hate us. They're marginally better than Clif bars, in that they contain 13g of protein, but they still contain 16g of sugar, and 7g of fat. Six grams of that nutritional shit show comes from soy, and the sources of sugars is high maltose corn syrup and sugar. If that's not enough, these three fuckers below apparently love Balance Bars so much that they're willing to endorse them on bodybuilding.com. Note the startling lack of muscular development and abdominal definition on these these winners.

You're fat better off getting a Quarter Pounder from McDonalds, frankly- there's no sugar, no soy, costs the same, and you're getting 24g of protein. Plus, you won't have to associate yourself the the douches pictured above, so you win twice.

You're welcome.

Power Bar Protein+

I'm sure it goes without saying that these bars taste like shit. Anyone who's ever had the grave misfortune to try a powerbar has instantly regretted the decision. Well, with the Protein+ bar, you can add to that hobo's ass flavoristic stylings grittiness and a mild soy aftertaste. Yeah, they have 23g of protein in them, but they also contain 19g of sugar, and the ubiquitous soy protein with which we are perpetually plagued.

They suck.

Promax Bars

Anytime there's more sugar in the thing you're eating than protein, it's not fucking healthy. Promax can take their 20 grams of protein and stuff them up their undoubtedly fat asses, because eaters of these fucking things get to choose between diabetes and obesity at the end of their lives, or maybe get a bit of both. Twenty eight grams of sugar? What the fuck were they thinking?

They were probably thinking of adding soy protein. Thanks Promax! Go fuck yourselves.

He avoided Promax Bars, given his low bodyfat, but he couldn't avoid those snakes.

Any Brownie Sold in a Health Food Store, with the notable exception of the Met-Rx brownie

Brownies are not healthy, no matter where they're sold. If you eat Glenny's 100 Calorie Brownies, you are a fucking idiot for a couple of reasons.

1. You suck at math. They claim to contain 100 calories. 40 come from fat, apparently, in spite of the fact that they allegedly contain 4g of fat, which would be 36 calories (9 per gram, dummy). We'll put that idiocy aside for a moment and look at the carbs (12g) and protein (4 g). First, we'll tackle the carbs. They have 7g of fiber and 11g of sugar, which is 18g, not 12g. We'll pretend, however, that they simply left the fiber out because it's indigestable. 12+4 = 16, and 16x4 =64. 64+40 is 104. Thus, for a variety of reasons, Glenny is a liar, and probably a syphilitic whore, and you are mathematically retarded.
2. They're full to the fucking brim of soy. Enjoy your nonexistent libido.

While I'm on the subject, those 100 calorie snack things you invariably see women eating are fucking stupid. 100 calories of Doritos is still 100 calories of bullshit. Additionally, I've never seen a woman eat just one of the fucking things. Eating multiple small servings is the same thing as eating one big fucking serving, the exception being that the small servings all have their own packaging, which creates more trash, and is worse for the environment. Apparently, the simpletons eating those things hate everyone else as much as they hate themselves. Thanks, fatasses.

How in the fuck is "oops" possessive? Fat and stupid. She probably eats 100 calorie brownies.

Think before you eat, fuckers.

Messing around

Decided to start some new little projects today, as I wasn't feeling the paintings I had started.

What could this black bat shape be for? hmmm?

I have been off to a slow start this year with completing projects. I start them then I hate them. Its so easy to get distracted. But when I am laying in bed thinking a project, and I can't stop and go to sleep, like I was last night, I know I am on the right track.

Oh, did you see my bobcat print? Its listed at blackforestcake. I think I see many more animal paintings in my future. I want to to do a wolf next. That will be challenging...

But right now, its Friday, and I have to go and play Mini Ninjas. (I spend a lot of time awwing over turning into foxes and raccoon dogs!)

*Baddest Motherfuckers Ever #10- Chuck Sipes

What the fuck is the world coming to?  First, I post a blog about a felon, then a "fitness" guru, and now a full-blown bodybuilder.  I must have lost my fucking mind, right?  I'm crazier than a Kim Kardashian clone after being snubbed by a Paris Hilton clone and chased down the street by a Perez Hilton wannabe dressed in Liberace's finest!

Nope.  This, my fuckers, is all about taking what you need from those who can provide it and chucking the rest.  It's a weightlifting paean to Bruce Lee's philosophy of amalgamating the most effective fighting styles into his own, and a nod to everyone whose ever thrown anything they could find in the fridge and cupboard into a pot and unwittingly produced the best fucking chili anyone ever ate.  Additionally, it's not unlike the Paleo crossfitter who buys a burger and tosses the bun- there's something to be learned from just about everybody, and no one's above analyzing the greats from any sport to help propel themselves to a semblance of that greatness.

As intolerable as I find the term "power bodybuilder", since it smacks of oily, pastel-colored-spandex-clad musclemen lifting shit poundages while grimacing in Weider mags, Chuck Sipes could be considered as such.  He could also, however, be likened to men like Sandow and Aston, who were simultaneously professional  strongmen, competitive strength athletes, and bodybuilders.

Sipes was apparently conceived with the grip strength that later served him so well as a strongman, and he literally just grabbed fistfuls of his mother's uterus and ripped her abdomen open, forcing himself into the world in a Chuck Norris-esque manner in late 1932.

In spite of the brutal manner by which Sipes birthed himself, he grew up a somewhat scrawny kid.  As he wanted to play highschool football like any other red-blooded American boy, he enlisted the aid of his neighbor, weightlifting equipment luminary Chuck Coker (who later founded Universal Equipment Company).  Utilizing the techniques he learned from Coker, Spies developed a brutal lifting regimen that eventually afforded him a 570 lb raw bench, and the ability to bend bars at will.

Did I mention the motherfucker was a full-on lumberjack, who worked 12 hour shifts cutting down trees during periods of contest prep?  No?  Well, he was.  Chuck Sipes was officially tougher than anyone you've ever met.

Sipes didn't waste time with losing.  He found it to be a distasteful practice to be avoided at all costs, and thus amassed a brutal succession of victories that he wedged in between mentoring juvinile delinquents and lifting insane amounts of weight for no reason whatsoever.

Height: 5' 9 ½"

Weight: 220 lbs.

His measurements included

Arms, 19 ½",

Chest, 50",

Waist 32",

Thighs, 25 ½",

Calves, 18".

Forearms,18"

Lifts:

570 lb. Bench press

600 lb. Squat

250 lb. Standing barbell curl

His contest history (3):

1958 Mr. Northern California 1st

1958 Jr. Mr. America 3rd (Western section)

1958 Mr. America 9th

1959 IFBB Mr. America 1st

1960 IFBB Mr. Universe 1st

1966 Mr. Olympia 3rd (won by Larry Scott)

1967 Mr. Olympia 2nd (won by Sergio Oliva)

1967 NABBA World Championships 1st

1968 Mr. Northern California 1st

1968 IFBB Mr. World 1st (The Mr. Olympia was held the same day, and had also taken time to perform strongman stunts.)

1970 IFBB Mr. Universe 2nd (medium class)(Arnold won 1st)

1974 Mr. Pacific Coast 1st (over-40 class)

Faced with the horrifying prospect that life wasn't worth living without any competition of which to speak, Sipes decided to off himself in 1993, granting us lesser mortals the opportunity to finally achieve the pinnacle of badassedness, since there wasn't a single motherfucker on Earth who could challenge Sipes in physique or strength at his age.

While he was still drawing breath, Sipes was well-known for having unbelievably badass abs, especially for that era, Sipes espoused a style of ab training that definitely falls in line with that of a true ChAoS and Pain hooligan:

"I feel that SPEED OF MOVEMENT in abs training is the KEY to ZENITH development in the abdominal region. I always tried to CONCENTRATE on rapid, quick movements with continuous tension and flexing in the movements of waist work. I might mention that that I didn’t sacrifice strictness of movement in the exercises. The speed of movement is obtained over a period of many months while on this SPECIAL program. The increased speed of movement per rep doesn’t happen in the first month of training. From what I have observed from my many travels and training with many bodybuilders, most don’t concentrate on this speed of movement in their abs programs."(2)

To determine the proper exercises and his set and rep range, Sipes went by the feel and effect of the exercises in previous workouts and experimentation with different movements.   Sipes believed that he could feel out a good workout, rather than following a set regime in which he followed a system of glacial, unrelentingly boring, counter-intuitive, artificial, incremental progression.  Additionally, like any rational, thinking person with a belief in biology, the theory of specialized adaptation, and a general belief in the theory of evolution, Sipes said, "Whenever I specialize on a body part, my stamina and endurance improve remarkably. In this way, the muscle ache and tightness I spoke of subsides quickly and in this way, there is less rest between sets."(2)

He also believed in super-short rest periods, claiming that he rested "only momentarily, probably less than 10 seconds. On most regular type exercise schedules, my rest periods between sets are around 20 to 30 seconds and no more."(2)  Additionally, he followed a super-intense, C&P-worthy split, in which he trained, get ready for it, 15-20 minutes of abs 6 days a week, twice a day for the first 6 months, and the 6 days a week, 3 times a day, the second six months.  There was no retarded Stuart McRobert-loving whining about how he had bad genetics, or a Mentzer-esque love for abstaining from the gym in deference to the library, wherein he would have spent countless hours misinterpreting an extremely simple subset of Russian philosophy, but rather a dedication to busting his ass on the exercise on which he wanted to get very, very good.  Interestingly, his 15-20 minute block schedule is highly reminiscent of the Bulgarian methodology...  and both are highly successful in creating champions.  Hmmmmmmmm...

Ah, but "what was the rest of his program like?", you might be wondering.  Just as fucking brutal.  The man was a goddamn bulldozer, crushing weights all fucking day long, breaking hearts and spines all the live-long day.

According to Dennis Weis, Sipes believed in training often, training heavy, and doing a shitload of supports and partials do build sick tendon and ligament strength.(4)

Bench Press Routine

Chuck would begin training at least 6 months before a meet. This is a five days per week routine which is very intense. There is much direct effort stimulating the ligaments and tendons.

Monday & Wednesday

Warm up Prone, regular grip – 2 sets x10 reps.

Bench Press – 2x6; 2x4; 2x2; 4 singles.

Tuesday & Thursday

Heavy Supports – 5x8.

100 lbs. over best press from ¼ way down to lockout.

Prones – Close to maximum poundage.

Heavy Supports – 150 lbs. over best press, holding with a slight elbow bend.

Prones – close to maximum poundage.

Friday

Incline Press, wide grip, slowly – 4x6.

Dumbell Incline Press, slowly – 4x6.

Pullovers, very light weight, deep breaths following 1 minute skipping – 2x20

Flat Flyes, very deep breaths – 4x8.

How the fuck did he get this vascular back in that day?  Probably training around the clock.

Squat Routine

Full Squat – 2 sets of 8 reps. 2x6, 2x4, 2x2, 2x1.

Quarter Squat – 6x10.

Leg Press – 8x6.

Deadlift Routine

Regular Deadlift – 2 sets of 8 reps, 2x6, 2x4, 2x2, 2x1.

Rack Deadlift from below knees – 6x4. Use the same position as for your regular deadlift at this height.

Deadlift Holds – 6 sets of 1 minute each.

Chuck mentioned that to deal with tender calluses, soak the hands in a tuff skin solution.

So, in summary:

• Chuck was a bad motherfucker
• He trained around the clock on lifts on which he wanted to improve.  
• He was strong as a fucking bull moose and took no shit in competition.
• He was simultaneously ripped to fucking shreds and insanely strong.

Would Rippetoe agree with Sipe's training methodology?  no, but that's because Rippetoe is a prick who looks like a bag of warm cookie dough, and is weaker than Amy Winehouse after a particularly strenuous heroin binge- but at least she's lean, hahaha.

Go to the gym and fucking Sipes yourself!

*by "Sipes yourself", I mean get strong as shit and lean as some Laura's Lean Beef, not autoasphyxiate yourself while wearing bondage gear and womens' lingerie, David Carradine style.

1. "Factoids- Chuck Sipes."  Flex Magazine.  http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0KFY/is_5_20/ai_98539235/
2. Weis, Dennis.  "Chuck Sipes:  One Year of Abdominal Specialization."  http://www.trulyhuge.com/news/tips63gf.htm
3. "The History of Mr. Olympia"  http://www.ifbb.com/contestresults/mrolympia/1966mrOreport.html
4. Weis, Dennis. "Chuck Sipes On Power Training- Dennis Weis."  http://ditillo2.blogspot.com/2009/08/chuck-sipes-on-power-training-dennis.html 

*The Supplements You Own End Up Owning You

The other day, I was walking around in a shopping center that contained a Gold's gym. I happened to fall in behind a couple of skinny, yet unfit, college guys, who were dressed in fashionable workout gear emblazoned with Under Armor and Abercrombie logos. Without going any further, I could tell they were useless douches, simply by their manner of dress, but I was bored, so I listened in on their conversation. The conversation, as it turned out, was solid gold- it centered around their "brutal" workout of machine-based exercises, and their need to get their protein shakes to facilitate recuperation therefrom. It was, at its core, a conversation worthy of the very pinnacle of douchbaggery, the likes of which I rarely see.

Sooooooooper tough. He has to be- he's wearing Under Armour!

Nevermind the fact that these fucking retards believed that they had just conducted a workout worthy of inclusion in the trials of Hercules- they believed that the workout was utterly worthless without their post-workout nutrition. They've been snowed by the magazines and the supplement companies to believe that without the proper supplements, they cannot achieve physical greatness.

One of Hercules's trials was dealing with mouthy broads. He handled shit.

Here's a fucking newsflash: BULLSHIT. Certainly, supplements can help, and I've spent a considerable amount of time detailing those that I think are worthwhile. That's not to state, however, that they are in any way essential. Plenty of people throughout history have built massive physiques without the aid of supplements, through little more than big eating and big lifting. What supplements do is speed the process, and help undo the deleterious effects of bad eating habits and sloth, in addition to centuries of shitty breeding habits for most of us.

The most important thing, in my opinion, is your training. That's because I'm primarily concerned with the development of strength, and muscle as a secondary effect. We all know that you cannot really out-train a bad diet, but all the dieting in the world isn't going to build strength and muscle without training. Therefore, training is the bedrock of C&P. Follow that with diet. If you eat like shit, you're likely to look like shit, and you'll probably train like shit as well. Last, and definitely least, is the inclusion of supplements in your regime.

Hermann Goerner never took a supplement. Of that much, I can assure you. That didn't stop him from deadlifting an epic 727 lbs. WITH ONE HAND.

Throughout the ages, the world has produced a wide variety of heavily muscled, bad motherfuckers, like Hermann Goerner, Milo of Croton, every single athlete who sat for a Greek or Roman statue, Punjabi wrestlers, etc. They all focused on two things, instead of supplementation (though they all dabbled in a variety of odd supplements throughout the ages): TRAINING AND DIET.

Lionel Strongfort. Bad motherfucker born in 1878 and lifting crazy weights long before the advent of supplements or steroids.

What to include? I've covered it before, but protein and a multi are the bedrock of your supplementation, NOT CREATINE. For some reason, every sloppy motherfucker on the planet seems to think that creatine is the essential ingredient into any workout program, to the exclusion of every other fucking thing of which you could think, including heavy squats and deadlifts. Creatine isn't fucking magic- in fact, if you eat red meat on a regular basis, it's basically useless, because red meat contains plenty of creatine. and your body can only absorb so much of it Furthermore, creatine's strength benefits are minor, and there are no real hypertrophy benefits.

The following are also useless:

HMB

Amino acids (spend your money on fucking protein- it's made of AMINO ACIDS)

anything made by MuscleTech

just about anything by Controlled Labs

weight gainers (try putting whey protein in chocolate milk, fuckface, or just fucking eat something)

To recap:

TRAIN FUCKING HARD.

EAT LIKE A CAVEMAN.

STOP YAMMERING ABOUT INCONSEQUENTIAL SHIT, AND LIFT SOME MORE.

REPEAT.

The end.

*Making Your Gym C&P Friendly

Most people haven't the luxury of training in a real gym, due to the steady decline of mankind and the concomitant death of hardcore gyms. In spite of this fact, there are a couple of things you can do to up the ante in your gym, and make it a bit more useful.

• Bring in rubber matting. While this might seem somewhat odd, and perhaps outside the realm of what your gym might allow, it's worth asking. You might be pleasantly surprised by their response- Sportsplex in Birmingham agreed to let me bring in rubber matting and leave it there for doing olympic lifts and deadlifting, and Top Gym in Vienna encouraged me to bring it in. You can buy it used from restaurants, or occasionally get old shit for free, and a couple of layers of it will pad the floor enough that you won't have to worry about a "controlled decent" for heavy lifts.
• Buy fat gripz. They'll confer the ability to do fat bar lifting without having a fat bar.
• Conversely, you can create a fat bat by buying a cheap bar and then hooking pvc piping around the bar. The ends of most bars unscrew, so you can just slide the pipe on. Check out this site for tips on how to modify a barbell or dumbbell.
  
• Talk to your gym owner about allowing you to use unused space (like a large storage closet) as a "scream room" for powerlifting. You'll likely have to supply your own equipment, but with the number of gyms going out of business these days, craigslist is a gold mine for equipment.

It might suck to lift in a big box gyms, but you can employ any of the above techniques to make the place, at the very least, tolerable.

**Because I Fucking Can 2

I was once asked why I do partial squats, and a wide array of people wholly incapable of duplicating my lifts talk shit about my insistence on doing partial squats.

If I can do 945 for 4 after a half hour of singles, you know what? Who gives a fuck why I do them- I do them because I fucking can.

They did give me a massive fucking pump, though.

The disappearing post

I took it down because the video wasn't working and I couldn't post a comment on my own blog. not sure what's the deal, but it'll be back up tonight, fuckers.

*Gymless Training... Say WHAT?

In the spirit of writing shit that you guys think is the antithesis of my training methodology (i.e. Jack LaLanne), I've decided to answer the 10 or so questions about gymless training I've received all in one. First, I do not recommend that you conduct all of your training in or out of the gym. There's plenty of opportunity to do both, irrespective of where you live. As such, I suggest that you try to incorporate some of both into your training. For those who are training in gyms, these are great methods to utilize on deload days (the D-block days in Exercises in Extremity), times you're on the road or otherwise estranged from the gym, or any other reason your ass isn't in the gym pushing massive amounts of weight. For those who don't have access to a gym, or who can't afford one, here's a way to get some serious shit accomplished until you can get to a place where you can lift some iron.

There's basically two ways you can go with gymless training:

1. bodyweight workouts
2. improvised equipment.

Both have their place, though the improvised equipment will likely bring better results, both in terms of strength and size, than will bodyweight shit. If you hit the bodyweight shit hard enough, though, and your diet's tight, you can get pretty fucking impressive results.

For instance, Herschell Walker is a massive advocate, and pretty much the world's greatest example, of what bodyweight training alone can do for you. Walker claimed to have achieved the majority of his physique by bodyweight training alone (though I distinctly recall reading somewhere that he was forced to start lifting weights upon entering the NFL), that consisted primarily of pushups, pullups, dips, and sprints. Walker claims to have done 2,000 pushups, 3,000 situps, and 1,500 pullups six times a week, without fail, for the entirety of his career, with a mixed bag of other shit thrown in on top for good measure. This type of training is also utilized by gymnasts, who achieve fairly impressive physiques, outstanding body control, and decent strength, and they also insist that consistency is king.

If you want to mix this style of training in with your weight routine, I recommend it on D-block days, wherein I typically keep my rep ranges in the 300-500s, as I'd rather not burn myself out for the heavy lifting with a bunch of dips and pullups.

Playing Cards

In the past, I would occasionally train in a similar fashion, especially when watching Rocky 3 or 4 with a buddy of mine. He and I would typically utilize a standard deck of playing cards, assigning different variations of standard bodyweight exercises like pullups and pushups to each suit. Thus, for instance, a Jack of Diamonds would be 11 diamond pushups. We made queens =12, kings =13, and aces=14, and would make the other suits all sorts of crazy nonsense, ranging from Dive-Bombers (or if you're a douche like Matt Furey, Hindu Press-ups) to handstand pushups, finger pushups, one arm pushups, and clapping pushups, and then make the black cards variations on the situp theme, including flutterkicks, scissors, and 6 inches, usually for time or fourcounts rather than straight reps. That was an enjoyable way to waste a Saturday afternoon when there wasn't shit to do and it was raining outside.

Whatever you do, don't buy that Perfect Pushup bullshit. Instead, save your money for a home gym or a gym membership, or if you're really feeling crazy, invest in a TRX suspension system and swing around your garage like a mucking monkey. The TRX is fun to use, is awesome for traveling, and gives you the opportunity to do some ring training every now and again.

For other ideas about bodyweight training, consult sources like Ross Enamait, Pavel Tsatsouline, or any number of bodyweight training books in the Golden Age of Iron Men site, which has a bunch of awesome books on handbalancing. Just promise to use that knowledge for good rather than evil- i.e., C&P hooligans will fucking hunt you down and stab you if we see a pic of you doing random handstands in public places.

Anyone but this broad is getting stabbed for public handstands.

Actually, she's getting stabbed, too. No public handstands.

Unconventional Training

If you want to go the other route, there's plenty of sources from which you can draw. Oldtime strongmen, like the ones chronicled in the Golden Age of Strong Men site, utilized all sorts of unconventional equipment like kegs and sandbags, and there's some good training material on that site. If you're going to look elsewhere, I recommend Dinosaur Training by Brooks Kubik, or you can peruse the works of Evan-Esh and others. If you want ideas on how to actually construct the equipment (sanbags, etc.) read Dino training, Rock, Iron, Steel, by Steve Justa, or just about any strongman site on the internet. The google machine is your friend. I personally used an Army surplus duffel bag filled with 150 lbs of sand and ducktaped all to fucking hell when I mad my own 'bag. Irrespective of the source (even Justa), this shit is manly, and will put hair on your chest- if it worked for pre-gear strongmen, it'll work for you.

Some suggested exercises:

Clean and Press: The clean will end up being more of a continental than a clean, but let's not quibble, shall we? For those of you who are unaware, the continental is the method by which lifters from continental Europe (primarily the Germans) shouldered a weight. Being Germans, they did it in the most painful manner possible, which was essentially to yank the weight up onto their belt and then roll the fucking thing up onto their chest, whereupon they would press it. In any event, with either a sandbag, log, or keg, clean and press it with the same general set and rep scheme as you'd use for regular Clean and Press. A word of caution, however- you won't be handling the same kind of weights, and your hands will be the first thing to give out.

If you use a duffel bag, don't use the fucking handles. It defeats the entire purpose, and you'll look like this douche.

Clean and Carry: Just like you'd think. You clean and either shoulder or bearhug the keg or bag and carry it for distance. Alternatively, you can carry it up stairs, though I do not recommend that with kegs, for obvious, tibia-shattering, reasons.

Don't let this Aussie broad be more of a man than you.

Clean, Press, and Squat: Clean and press the thing to your back, then squat for reps. When you're done, just dump it, and jump way the fuck out of the way if you're using a keg.

Only a Crossfitter or certain shit-talkers on Irongarmx would bother squatting 80 lbs.

Other unconventional out-of-gym things with which to train:

• Weighted wheelbarrow
• Sledgehammer
• Truck tires

One more idea:

One summer in high school, I worked at a nursery (plants, not babies, you fucking jackasses), and I discovered a little-used alcove in the lumber section. I liberated some 4x6" lumber and cinder blocks and built a bench, using the blocks as plates. I had a pretty good time sneaking in there and getting in quick 20 minute lifts, mostly doing bench, overhead presses, and curls. If you have lumber handy, it's worth trying, though I highly recommend the use of leather work gloves while lifting, as the horrifyingly large splinter factor is alarmingly high with that shit.

There you have it. As it's still weight lifting, there's not a hell of a lot you should do to complicate it. Don't overthink it, for fuck's sake, just do it. For those of you who are looking for a more Cirque du Soleil/gymnast look with the corresponding body control, I have no fucking idea why you're reading this blog, but stick with the former style of exercise.

Should you wish for a bore rugged psyique, and a fuckload more strength, I recommend a mixture of the two types, with an emphasis on the latter style.

For the rest of you, it's something to consider on those days you don't feel like hitting the iron, but feel like doing something.

Give em hell, boys.

**5 Fucking Essential Lifts

Everyone's got their pet lifts. For most, these lifts are comprised of the bench press in all of its permutations, and curls, in all of their variations. For me... well, I recently had a bodybuilder retort, after having me break his balls about his endless arm workouts, "What are YOU doing today? Shrugs and front squats?"

The best part? Yup, I fucking was, haha.

As such, I think it behooves you fuckers to discover what I consider to be the most effective lifts on planet Earth, in order of awesomeness.

1) The Behind the Neck Push Press/Jerk.

I still haven't decided what the official name of this fucking exercise is, but no matter, it fucking rocks. In case you're one of the sad motherfuckers who has not yet attempted this gem, allow me to list all of the shit that it hits, in order of stress applied by the movement.

• Shoulders
• Traps
• Upper Back
• Midsection (No, it's not your fucking core, unless you're reading a shitty book by a useless trainer, you're on a swiss ball, or you're in a pilates class. It's your fucking midsection- all of it component parts). This exercise will make you into a goddamned abdominal and lower back Tyrannosaurus, especially if you hold the weight at lockout for a couple of counts.
• Triceps
• Thighs
• Calves

Yes. It literally works your entire body. You need this exercise in your workout, desperately.

Now, I know a few of you have asked me if you should even bother doing this exercise if you have no access to bumper plates and you cannot ditch the weight. The answer, unequivocally, is yes. If you cannot dump the weight, work with an increased rep range (6x5, for instance), or cut the rest periods down to virtually nothing and go 10x3, fast. Additionally, you can occasionally see how many reps you can do with your bodyweight in 30 mins, or a percentage of your bodyweight. I did that once as part of a DragonDoor challenge, and every single part of my body hurt for days, including the arches of my feet. Super brutal.

In case you've missed my previous blogs about this exercise, you start with the bar on your back, as if you were starting a squat. You then drop to a quarter squat and explosively drive with your legs, THROWING the bar off your back overhead. Hold the lockout for a second, and then drop it back to your traps.

2) The Front Squat

An amazing exercise, the front squat contributes mightily to both leg and abdominal strength. I can attribute the following to my recent focus on the front squat:

• increased back squat. This came as a direct result of using the improved leverages of the front squat and a departure from constant hammering on the back squat. I defeated staleness and got far stronger simultaneously.
• increased deadlift. Because the front squat necessarily uses a closer stance than the powerlifting back squat, I found a better crossover to conventional deadlifting and saw a marked jump in my pulls as I got stronger in the front squat.
• better leg development. Look at any Olympic weightlifter. Their legs are fucking sick, and I'll bet dollars to doughnuts it has to do with the fact that they front squat on the regular. The front squat shifts the focus of the movement onto your quads, rather than your glutes and hamstrings in the PL squat, due to the closer stance and altered leverages. Thus, you get better quad separation and development out of the movement.
• better shoulder strength. This is due to the fact that I do them crossed-arms bodybuilder style, owing to the fact that I have some of the worst wrist flexibility in history.
• better abs. Once you get lean enough, you'll see what I mean. My abs look like fucking bricks, and I do a hell of a lot more front squatting than ab work.

3) The Power Clean

I know, most of you are probably silently cursing me for this, but I like it more than the deadlift. Why? Because I can do it all the fucking time, with no ill effects. Deadlifting more than once a week, or once every two weeks, completely fucks my mid back, crippling me for the front squat and btn push press. Thus, I focus more on the power clean. Doing the quick pulls in the power clean, in conjunction with ultra-heavy shrugs, grants me the ability to pull 605 literally whenever I want, with wiggle room if I feel like going up some. As such, I'm going to keep pounding the power cleans and shrugs as often as I can, and throw in deadlifts as an occasional change of pace. Additionally, the use of 90-95% of my 1RM for a ton of reps leaves me pretty much fresh as a daisy, whereas just a few reps with 95% of my 1RM on deads has me pretty much fucking crippled thereafter.

4) The Ab Wheel.

Ross Enamait ushered in the resurrection of the single best piece of abdominal equipment on the planet, and for that, he's the man. Just do the fucking things with good form, and you'll know what I'm talking about. Check out his website to see what good form looks like.

I'd typically go a bit closer than this, but it's close for him, apparently. And fucking HEAVY.

5) Close Grip Bench Press
No, not the regular bench. I like hand position wherein my index finger is on the edge of the knurling, or over it. I then suck in my elbows to my sides, and my hands are just over my elbows if viewed from the top.

In my opinion, the close grip bench press is superior to the regular flat bench press for a couple of reasons:

1. it stresses the triceps more than the regular bench, which means that it will have more crossover than the traditional flat bench press.
2. the weighted dip is a superior chest exercise to the flat bench press in any event, so it stands to reason that the exercise with the most crossover should be the one you choose.
   

There you have it. These are, in my opinion, the five most essential lifts in any workout. With just these 5, you can build a brutal physique worthy of the admiration of guys and the lust of women. In other words, using these exercises, you can be the balls, just like Ron Burgundy.

He has very little time to get to the gym, so he has to sculpt his guns at work.

Get after it, motherfuckers.

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Now playing: All Out War - Condemned To Suffer
via FoxyTunes

*Baddest Motherfuckers Ever #9- Jack “I can’t die, it will wreck my image” LaLanne

Remember this: your body is your slave; it works for you.
Jack LaLanne

Some of you might be questioning why I would sully the hallowed pixels of this fine blog with the likes of a "fitness" advocate like Jack LaLanne. This is likely due to the fact that you are fucking stupid, or wholly ignorant of the massive mountain of awesome that LaLanne represents.

First, allow me to remind you, that while I personally detest cardio and think that it's not all it's cracked up to be for fatloss, that's not to say I don't think anyone should do it. I know for a fact, however, that you can get by just fine without doing a scintilla of cardio and still end up a ripped motherfucker who retains enough cardiovascular fitness to run a respectable mile time. Second, allow me to elucidate about LaLanne's awesomeness.

LaLanne as a bodybuilder

The Godfather of Fitness was born in 1914, just after the Golden Age of Physical Culture's peak, and grew up in an era wherein people thought that weightlifting would do any number of horrible things, from making a man "musclebound," to turning you gay, ruining your sex drive, stunting your growth, and possibly causing cancer. Additionally, this was the era in which margarine was invented, ushering in the current environment of refined carbohydrates and other assorted dietary nonsense with which modern man is now plagued. In other words, the world fucking sucked.

As a kid, LaLanne was a fucking maniac, to the point where he once attacking his brother with an axe, and setting his family's house on fire. Later, he came to blame his early lunacy to the fact that he ate too much sugar. While, I personally don't buy the fact that table sugar will drive a person completely insane, he was a bad motherfucker, and swears to this day that his current "sanity", or at least the abandonment of his propensity for random acts of violence against his family members on the eating habits he acquired from nutritionist Paul Bragg's recommendations. You might remember seeing Bragg's name on various products in health food stores, most notably, Apple Cider Vinegar. Anyway, LaLanne then came to eliminate everything made with white flour or white sugar from his diet, and instead ate almost nothing but fruits, vegetables, and fish for the rest of his life. To facilitate this new-found love of health foods, and in response to the fact that there were virtually none to be found, LaLanne, the budding 18 year old entrepreneur, opened his own health food bakery. Three years later (1936), LaLanne opened his first gym, in Oakland, CA. This gym grew into a chain, and by the time he had become the foremost authority on fitness in the US, he sold off his gyms (which eventually became Bally's Total Fitness), and became an innovator in the sports supplement industry, along with Rheo Blair. Additionally, LaLanne invented a shitload of equipment that's now standard fare in gyms, including the pulley systems so popular amongst cable crossover aficionados, the Smith Machine, and leg extension machines. Thereafter, the Godfather established the longest running (and fucking hilarious) fitness show in television history, The Jack LaLanne Show, which aired from 1951 to 1985.

LaLanne at Seventy-fucking-one.

So fucking what, right? He invented some shit. So did Nikola Tesla, and no one's calling him one of the Baddest Motherfuckers ever. Well, fuckface, I'm glad you brought that up. LaLanne competed in Olympic Weightlifting and bodybuilding, and is renown for his badass fucking birthday stunts. The following is a list I obtained from his Wikipedia entry, and these are some fucking impressive stunts:

• 1954 (age 40): swam the entire length of the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, underwater, with 140 pounds (64 kg; 10 st) of equipment, including two air tanks. A world record.
• 1955 (age 41): swam from Alcatraz Island to Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco while handcuffed. When interviewed afterward he was quoted as saying that the worst thing about the ordeal was being handcuffed, which reduced his chance to Star Jump significantly.
• 1956 (age 42): set a world record of 1,033 push-ups in 23 minutes on You Asked For It, a television program with Art Baker.
• 1957 (age 43): swam the Golden Gate channel while towing a 2,500-pound (1,100 kg; 180 st) cabin cruiser. The swift ocean currents turned this one-mile (1.6 km) swim into a swimming distance of 6.5 miles (10.5 km).
• 1958 (age 44): maneuvered a paddleboard nonstop from Farallon Islands to the San Francisco shore. The 30-mile (48 km) trip took 9.5 hours.
• 1959 (age 45): did 1,000 star jumps and 1,000 chin-ups in 1 hour, 22 minutes and The Jack LaLanne Show went nationwide.
• 1974 (age 60): For the second time, he swam from Alcatraz Island to Fisherman's Wharf. Again, he was handcuffed, but this time he was also shackled and towed a 1,000-pound (450 kg; 71 st) boat.
• 1975 (age 61): Repeating his performance of 21 years earlier, he again swam the entire length of the Golden Gate Bridge, underwater and handcuffed, but this time he was shackled and towed a 1,000-pound (450 kg; 71 st) boat.
• 1976 (age 62): To commemorate the "Spirit of '76", United States Bicentennial, he swam one mile (1.6 km) in Long Beach Harbor. He was handcuffed and shackled, and he towed 13 boats (representing the 13 original colonies) containing 76 people.
• 1979 (age 65): towed 65 boats in Lake Ashinoko, near Tokyo, Japan. He was handcuffed and shackled, and the boats were filled with 6,500 pounds (2,900 kg; 460 st) of Louisiana Pacific wood pulp.^[18]
• 1980 (age 66): towed 10 boats in North Miami, Florida. The boats carried 77 people, and he towed them for over one mile (1.6 km) in less than one hour.
• 1984 (age 70): Once again handcuffed and shackled, he fought strong winds and currents as he swam 1.5 miles (2.4 km) while towing 70 boats with 70 people from the Queensway Bay Bridge in the Long Beach Harbor to the Queen Mary. 

That shit is officially fucking hardcore, but there's more. The guy still fucking trains two hours a day, at age 95, with 1.5 hours of lifting and a half hour of swimming a day. How many of you motherfuckers can make that claim? Fuck, I can't even make that claim. But then, you might say, it's probably just some light bullshit. maybe. I imagine that's what the Oak thought, too, when he took LaLanne up on his $10k challenge- that LaLanne could fucking ruin ANYONE in a workout.

"When Arnold Schwarzenegger came to America in 1968 and became an instant sensation on the Southern California muscle scene, LaLanne challenged the kid to a duel at Muscle Beach. The Austrian Oak was 21; the Oakland Oak was 54.

"I beat him in chin-ups and push-ups," LaLanne says. "He said, 'That Jack LaLanne's an animal! I was sore for four days. I couldn't lift my arms!' "" (2)

Yup. That fucking happened. A 54 year old LaLanne took the Oak the fuck out, when the Oak was in his prime and LaLanne was already an old man.

LaLanne at 91.

Meanwhile, LaLanne was still a hard motherfucker:

[Every man should know] how to defend himself. I learned wrestling and boxing and all that when I was young. I’ve never lost a fight yet. One of the first ones I had I was in this restaurant in San Francisco. These college kids came in. They were athletes. They started saying, “Hey, muscles,” and making fun of me. Finally one guy says, “You know, I would like to beat the hell out of you.” And I said, “Okay, come on. Let’s go outside.” He followed me out with his friends, and I took this guy, I whacked him, knocked him out, threw him over the hood of my automobile. Then four or five other guys came at me, and I knocked them all on their asses. I went back in that restaurant, and I tell you, people treated me like I was king.(3)

If you're interested, here's an exercise LaLanne loved:

Jack Lalanne Pushup:

1. Place feet wider than shoulder width and extend arms all the way over head in line with shoulders. Arms should be straight. In the "up" position you'll have a slight bend (flexion) in your hips.
2. Lower body from three points--the hips, elbows, and shoulders. No one point will bend that much--just equal out the downward travel movement from all three points as you drop a few inches.
3. Push hard through hands and use core to lift body back into starting position.(2)

Did I mention that at age 90, LaLanne still claimed to have "an active sex life"? Yup. Even his fucking cock is unstoppable.

So, let's recap- LaLanne built a massive fucking fitness and nutrition empire, innovated heavily in supplementation and exercise equipment, trained like a fucking maniac, is apparently unkillable, and whooped Arnold's ass in the gym, in addition to the fact that he is one of the first outspoken Paleo advocates ("If man makes it, I don’t eat it!"), and he still gets laid on the regular into his 90s.

Still think LaLanne is a chump? Tell it to his face- I'd love to see a 20 year old get fucked up by a 95 year old man.

Sources:

1. Jack LaLanne. http://www.nndb.com/people/697/000022631/
2. "He exercised his personal demons". SF Chronicle. October 8, 2009. http://articles.sfgate.com/2009-10-08/news/17183224_1_jack-lalanne-salad-dark-side-brain
3. "Survival Skills: Jack LaLanne". Men's Journal. April 9, 2009. http://www.mensjournal.com/jacklalanne
4. "Even at 95, Jack LaLanne is as tough as he ever". SF Examiner. January 12, 2010. http://www.sfexaminer.com/local/Jack-LaLanne-is-tough-as-ever-61584917.html